It was July 4, 2018. I had just started a new job about a month earlier. I was still proving myself.
I also had a 2 year old and a 6 month old. I was trying to keep it all together. So far, so good.
Was I there long enough to start talking much about my kids? Or was it too early? Was I still supposed to be making it seem as if it were easy as pie to be a lawyer mom?
I thought so. I still felt new and still felt like I was in the “proving myself” phase. So when it came to July 4th, I knew my daughter had the annual July 4th picnic at school, but I was reluctant to mention it at work. I figured as the day went on, I’d get a better sense of how things would go. If work was calm, I’d leave.
I figured I’d need to start heading out by around 11. Since things were pretty calm, I decided to wait it out. But at around 10:50, shit started to hit the fan (of course). I had already made my way down one of the elevator banks on my way out when e-mails started coming in, requests were being asked. What was I supposed to do? How could I all of a sudden mention I had an event at my daughter’s school? Would I look weak or silly? I found myself pacing back and forth outside the elevator bank, sweating. Do I go back upstairs and pretend like I never intended to leave? Or do I tell them I was on my way out for an important event, and I’d be back in an hour?
I naively opted to make my way back upstairs. Someone had just asked me to bring their laptop to the conference room (a silly task that really anyone else could have done) but I still felt too intimidated to speak up. So I walked myself back up to my office and completed the tasks being asked. At that point, even if I left, I’d be rushing and would ultimately miss the main event. My daughter would have already walked in the parade, and I would have missed it.
I tried to tell myself it’d be fine. My in-laws were at the school and they’d take pictures. It’d be just as if I were there but I would have saved myself the trip. No matter how hard I tried to reason with myself, I was f*ing pissed. Anger turned into sadness and before I knew it, I found myself slamming my office door shut and breaking down into tears. I was mad. I was mad at the profession, but most of all, I was mad at myself.
I decided right then and there that I would NEVER let that happen again. If there was something that was important to me, I’d go. It wouldn’t mean I’d have to be at EVERY school event, but the ones that meant the most to me, I’d be there. I can only thing of a handful of circumstances in which my presence would be so vital for me to stay at work as opposed to sneaking out for one hour.
Perhaps why it meant so much to me is that I see the sparkle in my daughter’s eye and the smile she gives me when she sees that I surprised her at school. She blushes as she sees that mommy is there. Without words being said, it’s such a special moment. That’s why I wanted to be there to see her parade. And that’s why I was so upset at myself for me letting myself miss it.
So this year, I’m going. There ain’t a thing in the world that will keep me from at least being there for thirty minutes. She’s a bit older now so I’ve been telling her that I’ll need to go back to work after the picnic. She tells me she understands. So we’ll see how it goes. But if I know one thing for sure, it’s that I’m not missing the July 4th picnic ever again.